"I don't deserve anything else." Her purpose is a lie. Homeworld's Era Three empire - if she's to believe what she's been told - has no place for her if she does go back.
Other gems change, adapt. She doesn't believe she can.
"So why is it your position that you have to earn a free and decent existence at all? Why is it not the case that it's reasonable to expect one just...by virtue of existing, while not harming others?"
"I was made to serve something bigger." There's a pressure as she sits on the other side of the door. "I believed I had failed for so many years. But now it's only me, and I'm- worthless, alone."
She looks down at her hands.
"But if anyone else hurts me like Pink- like Rose did, I'll shatter."
Elijah sits down on the opposite side of the door, cross-legged in the
hallway.
"...I have to admit my own limitations, when it comes to empathising with
your position. I was not born or raised 'for' any reason. I didn't
particularly...bond, with anyone responsible for raising me. My purpose, my
'something bigger', was only ever mine to dictate. And without any sense
of...limitation, I went too far."
A slow breath.
"I think your problem is the inverse to mine. Where I felt untethered, by
expectation or even by basic ethics, you seem to feel...paralyzed, now, in
their absence."
"My other self was right about being weak. But not that it was physical." She needs other people more than they ever needed her. Even as strong as she was, she was only ever a number to the Diamonds. She'd been willing to sacrifice everything to bring down Rose and become something more, but that was before she knew.
"You're the only one who can prove anything about yourself," Elijah points
out.
"But let me offer my perspective. You were created to be a part of a
rigidly prescriptive caste society with little, if any, built-in tolerance
for change. In that context, you lost a creator whom you likely saw as
invulnerable. You were able to change your allegiances as necessary, and
make yourself a valued individual in ranks of thousands of creations like
you. You continued to deserve that distinction when you were ordered -
forced - to return to the site of your early trauma. Most recently, you
learned that your lost creator was, in fact, capable of deception and
disloyalty of a kind that your entire culture had seemingly no concept of.
That, too, could have broken you. Shattered you, as you say. But time after
time, you have proven your adaptability and resilience."
"I don't know. I thought I did. I thought bringing Rose down would make everything... worth it. It's why I - at least when I failed, it was doing something important." It's how she ended up here.
"But that's interesting. You said you don't know," he points out. "That's
distinct from 'I do know, and it's the rest of eternity on a spacefaring
prison ship'."
He smiles. It's audible.
"I can't imagine how difficult it's going to be for you to continue this
process of defining for yourself what your life is going to be. But you're
not going to do it alone."
"I can take a hint. But you should give it some thought."
He starts getting to his feet.
"And if you're getting snagged on your future contentment being predicated
on something that...seems impossible, remember you'll have the power to
fix that."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." She still doesn't believe he'll give her his deal, or even that they have the power everyone here seems to think. It's easier to dismiss the possibility entirely.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-07-05 10:05 pm (UTC)Incorrect. Try again.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-05 10:11 pm (UTC)I thought you didn't get to tell me how I feel.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-05 10:15 pm (UTC)Let me ask you a different question.
Why is the Barge a dead end for you, but not for everyone who is able to graduate and leave?
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 09:34 am (UTC)[Yeah. That's. That's not a thing she wanted to express out loud. She cuts communication.]
SPAM
Date: 2020-07-06 11:25 am (UTC)Re: SPAM
Date: 2020-07-06 02:32 pm (UTC)[Dammit, Elijah! Let her stay miserable and alone!
... she's hiding in her cabin, for once]
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 02:47 pm (UTC)Knock knock.
"Jasper, it's me."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 03:06 pm (UTC)"Go away, I'm done talking."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 03:54 pm (UTC)"You haven't done anything to deserve an eternity of...this."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 04:18 pm (UTC)Other gems change, adapt. She doesn't believe she can.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 04:21 pm (UTC)Elijah hums.
"So why is it your position that you have to earn a free and decent existence at all? Why is it not the case that it's reasonable to expect one just...by virtue of existing, while not harming others?"
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 04:44 pm (UTC)She looks down at her hands.
"But if anyone else hurts me like Pink- like Rose did, I'll shatter."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 04:54 pm (UTC)Elijah sits down on the opposite side of the door, cross-legged in the hallway.
"...I have to admit my own limitations, when it comes to empathising with your position. I was not born or raised 'for' any reason. I didn't particularly...bond, with anyone responsible for raising me. My purpose, my 'something bigger', was only ever mine to dictate. And without any sense of...limitation, I went too far."
A slow breath.
"I think your problem is the inverse to mine. Where I felt untethered, by expectation or even by basic ethics, you seem to feel...paralyzed, now, in their absence."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 05:15 pm (UTC)"My other self was right about being weak. But not that it was physical." She needs other people more than they ever needed her. Even as strong as she was, she was only ever a number to the Diamonds. She'd been willing to sacrifice everything to bring down Rose and become something more, but that was before she knew.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 05:20 pm (UTC)Elijah sits with that for a few moments.
"I think you're much stronger than you realize. Mentally, emotionally. Perhaps more than you're ready to accept right now."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 05:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 05:49 pm (UTC)"You're the only one who can prove anything about yourself," Elijah points out.
"But let me offer my perspective. You were created to be a part of a rigidly prescriptive caste society with little, if any, built-in tolerance for change. In that context, you lost a creator whom you likely saw as invulnerable. You were able to change your allegiances as necessary, and make yourself a valued individual in ranks of thousands of creations like you. You continued to deserve that distinction when you were ordered - forced - to return to the site of your early trauma. Most recently, you learned that your lost creator was, in fact, capable of deception and disloyalty of a kind that your entire culture had seemingly no concept of. That, too, could have broken you. Shattered you, as you say. But time after time, you have proven your adaptability and resilience."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 05:59 pm (UTC)She's just tired of it all.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 06:12 pm (UTC)"Then tell me what would," Elijah suggests. "Tell me what success looks like to you."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 06:47 pm (UTC)"Now there's just nothing."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 06:56 pm (UTC)"But that's interesting. You said you don't know," he points out. "That's distinct from 'I do know, and it's the rest of eternity on a spacefaring prison ship'."
He smiles. It's audible.
"I can't imagine how difficult it's going to be for you to continue this process of defining for yourself what your life is going to be. But you're not going to do it alone."
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 07:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 07:32 pm (UTC)"I can take a hint. But you should give it some thought."
He starts getting to his feet.
"And if you're getting snagged on your future contentment being predicated on something that...seems impossible, remember you'll have the power to fix that."
His deal is very much still on the table.
no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-07-06 08:09 pm (UTC)"Indeed. Take care, Jasper."
And he really will leave her alone - for today, at least.