He folds his hands in his lap, looks away slightly.
"My emotional affect has always been - quite low. Flat, perhaps. It's more
often been framed as a criticism. People can find me...off-putting, or
inauthentic. Less than human, as you said yourself."
"Doesn't make it any easier to feel like you care. Or won't leave."
It might be less of an issue if she allowed herself more connections with people, but after all this time, Elijah was still the most intimate relationship she has. By far.
He leans forward in his seat, placing himself a little closer to her.
"I've told you that I do, and I won't. You know that I'm telling the truth.
Anything I do to...emphasise that will come across as performative at
best."
But even now he looks a little off-kilter, even distressed.
She looks sidelong at him, her expression tight and sour. She hates having to say any of this out loud. But she can see that she is, finally, having some kind of impact on him.
It's enough, for now, for her to huff and let some of the tension out of her shoulders.
"Yes." His shoulders are a little more rigid now, his jaw tighter. "I'm
well aware that my inability to express myself emotionally 'sucks'. I'm
aware of the impact it has on my relationships. If you need someone like
that in your life, it will have to be someone else."
"I don't need anyone!" Immediate angry buzzing, but she doesn't have enough self-control right now to stop. "And I wouldn't bother with you if we weren't stuck together!"
The swarm descends, because both of those were whoppers.
She swats and smacks, narrowly avoiding hitting herself in the gem a couple times out of frustration. It takes a few moments to clear most of the bugs, before she glowers sulkily at him.
"No." With all the pettiness of a cranky five-year-old for him setting her up to have to answer that honestly.
"It is only you." And it bothers her and she doesn't want it to. "And even you, half the time I don't know if I want to punch you or-" She's not finishing that sentence. "It's complicated and I hate it and I'm just waiting for you to leave like everyone else does."
"I've already made myself clear, on that point," Elijah says quietly.
(Punch him or...what?)
"But relationships, friendships - they are complicated. I avoided them
myself, for a long time. That's part of why I was able to do
some...extremely amoral things, in pursuit of my intellectual interests."
(Or nothing. You heard nothing, Elijah, forget about it.)
"I know -" she clears her throat and rephrases more carefully. "It doesn't feel worth it. Being just me and my mission was easy. But now it's me and nothing and everything's hard."
"...I'm sorry," Elijah says, quietly, sincerely. It's probably the first
time that she's talked about her current situation simply in terms of how
she feels about it. About how it feels to experience it.
"I know I've said this before, but you can choose something new for
yourself. It's not 'you and nothing'. It's you and anything. But I
understand how that can feel overwhelming."
Maybe it's easier when she can blame it on the flood. Maybe it's why she came to see him in person, instead of staying on a communicator that's all too easy to turn off.
"The only thing around is the Barge. And I don't want anything to do with that."
"The deal was about getting you to talk to me. I honestly didn't expect you
to get a job on top of that." No bugs. "Regardless, you've continued doing
it. And you do talk to other people."
"Hmph." That's not how she interpreted things, but whatever. "Stan needs to be shown he can't boss me around, anyway." Because she won't admit that she actually has a bit of fun trolling the old coot.
"But talking doesn't mean anything. It's too boring here not to, anyway."
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Elijah looks at her for several moments, then relaxes back into his seat. Clearly they aren't quite done here.
"What does 'acting like a human' mean to you, Jasper?" he asks. "What would that look like, to you?"
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She doesn't, interestingly, say that her thinks he's better. Buy it's probably not a secret to Elijah that Jasper sees her emotions as weakness.
She looks away, arms crossed again. "... like talking to a Diamond sometimes." They make her feel small too, in a different way.
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"...I'm sorry that that bothers you, Jasper."
He folds his hands in his lap, looks away slightly.
"My emotional affect has always been - quite low. Flat, perhaps. It's more often been framed as a criticism. People can find me...off-putting, or inauthentic. Less than human, as you said yourself."
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"Doesn't make it any easier to feel like you care. Or won't leave."
It might be less of an issue if she allowed herself more connections with people, but after all this time, Elijah was still the most intimate relationship she has. By far.
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"Jasper..."
He leans forward in his seat, placing himself a little closer to her.
"I've told you that I do, and I won't. You know that I'm telling the truth. Anything I do to...emphasise that will come across as performative at best."
But even now he looks a little off-kilter, even distressed.
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It's enough, for now, for her to huff and let some of the tension out of her shoulders.
"Fine. But it still sucks."
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"Yes." His shoulders are a little more rigid now, his jaw tighter. "I'm well aware that my inability to express myself emotionally 'sucks'. I'm aware of the impact it has on my relationships. If you need someone like that in your life, it will have to be someone else."
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The swarm descends, because both of those were whoppers.
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Elijah cringes, and picks up a magazine to do some assertive shooing of bugs.
...Really, just that he didn't intend for this to happen didn't mean that he didn't expect it to.
"Are you alright?"
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"No." With all the pettiness of a cranky five-year-old for him setting her up to have to answer that honestly.
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"...Sorry," he at least has the grace to say, when he realises as much. "Do you want to talk about it?"
And he's not apologising for asking that. She can leave whenever she wants to.
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"I've already made myself clear, on that point," Elijah says quietly.
(Punch him or...what?)
"But relationships, friendships - they are complicated. I avoided them myself, for a long time. That's part of why I was able to do some...extremely amoral things, in pursuit of my intellectual interests."
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"I know -" she clears her throat and rephrases more carefully. "It doesn't feel worth it. Being just me and my mission was easy. But now it's me and nothing and everything's hard."
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"...I'm sorry," Elijah says, quietly, sincerely. It's probably the first time that she's talked about her current situation simply in terms of how she feels about it. About how it feels to experience it.
"I know I've said this before, but you can choose something new for yourself. It's not 'you and nothing'. It's you and anything. But I understand how that can feel overwhelming."
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"The only thing around is the Barge. And I don't want anything to do with that."
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"I don't know if that's entirely true. You've chosen a job," Elijah offers as an example.
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"The deal was about getting you to talk to me. I honestly didn't expect you to get a job on top of that." No bugs. "Regardless, you've continued doing it. And you do talk to other people."
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"But talking doesn't mean anything. It's too boring here not to, anyway."
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"All right. So what else might keep you from getting bored?" Elijah asks, levelly.
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