[Inbox]

[justsayyes]

Report in.

Maybe I'll decide to care.

Comments

[biocomposer]

Elijah helps, at least insofar as he can help by using a book against a few bees far away enough from Jasper that he won't exactly hit her.

"...well, then. I'm an inmate," he says, bluntly, for the experience of coughing out something with more legs than he's happy having had in his mouth. "And - affected, clearly."

[justsayyes]

She smacks the last one so that it poofs back out of existence. "Great, you've proven it. Congratulations."

[biocomposer]

"The intention was to prove the honesty of everything I've said so far," he reminds her. "That I want to see you graduate, I believe you're capable, and I do fully intend to let you benefit from my deal when it's been granted."

[justsayyes]

Jasper sighs dramatically. "I know. You already said all that."

It never occurred to her to think Elijah was lying about being affected. Even if she thinks he's too smart to believe the rest of it.

[biocomposer]

"Mm."

He looks across at her.

"As I also already said, I don't intend to use this as an opportunity to interrogate you. So unless you have any further questions for me...?"

[justsayyes]

"Why not? You ask enough questions the rest of the time."

[biocomposer]

"I do. But ordinarily, you have the option to respond however you like. I already have enough power over you without depriving you of that."

[justsayyes]

"Doesn't stop you from assuming you know when I'm telling the truth or not, you know."

[biocomposer]

"No, it doesn't, but I assume that sometimes I'm wrong."

He smiles faintly.

"Regardless, I'm a little surprised that you're not letting this go. Is there anything you want me to ask you?"

[justsayyes]

"Really?" She snorts. "Because it sure doesn't feel like it. Perfect Elijah with all the answers." No bugs, because, well. It's true to how she feels, dealing with him. "Don't tell anyone I said this, but you're a human. How about you act like it sometimes."

[biocomposer]

Elijah looks at her for several moments, then relaxes back into his seat. Clearly they aren't quite done here.

"What does 'acting like a human' mean to you, Jasper?" he asks. "What would that look like, to you?"

[justsayyes]

"It's like I'm the only one with- with feelings when we talk. Even when I try to make you mad. Like you're better than me."

She doesn't, interestingly, say that her thinks he's better. Buy it's probably not a secret to Elijah that Jasper sees her emotions as weakness.

She looks away, arms crossed again. "... like talking to a Diamond sometimes." They make her feel small too, in a different way.

[biocomposer]

"...I'm sorry that that bothers you, Jasper."

He folds his hands in his lap, looks away slightly.

"My emotional affect has always been - quite low. Flat, perhaps. It's more often been framed as a criticism. People can find me...off-putting, or inauthentic. Less than human, as you said yourself."

[justsayyes]

Jasper stays quiet and still for a moment.

"Doesn't make it any easier to feel like you care. Or won't leave."

It might be less of an issue if she allowed herself more connections with people, but after all this time, Elijah was still the most intimate relationship she has. By far.

[biocomposer]

"Jasper..."

He leans forward in his seat, placing himself a little closer to her.

"I've told you that I do, and I won't. You know that I'm telling the truth. Anything I do to...emphasise that will come across as performative at best."

But even now he looks a little off-kilter, even distressed.

[justsayyes]

She looks sidelong at him, her expression tight and sour. She hates having to say any of this out loud. But she can see that she is, finally, having some kind of impact on him.

It's enough, for now, for her to huff and let some of the tension out of her shoulders.

"Fine. But it still sucks."

[biocomposer]

"Yes." His shoulders are a little more rigid now, his jaw tighter. "I'm well aware that my inability to express myself emotionally 'sucks'. I'm aware of the impact it has on my relationships. If you need someone like that in your life, it will have to be someone else."

[justsayyes]

"I don't need anyone!" Immediate angry buzzing, but she doesn't have enough self-control right now to stop. "And I wouldn't bother with you if we weren't stuck together!"

The swarm descends, because both of those were whoppers.

[biocomposer]

Elijah cringes, and picks up a magazine to do some assertive shooing of bugs.

...Really, just that he didn't intend for this to happen didn't mean that he didn't expect it to.

"Are you alright?"

[justsayyes]

She swats and smacks, narrowly avoiding hitting herself in the gem a couple times out of frustration. It takes a few moments to clear most of the bugs, before she glowers sulkily at him.

"No." With all the pettiness of a cranky five-year-old for him setting her up to have to answer that honestly.

[biocomposer]

"...Sorry," he at least has the grace to say, when he realises as much. "Do you want to talk about it?"

And he's not apologising for asking that. She can leave whenever she wants to.

[justsayyes]

"It is only you." And it bothers her and she doesn't want it to. "And even you, half the time I don't know if I want to punch you or-" She's not finishing that sentence. "It's complicated and I hate it and I'm just waiting for you to leave like everyone else does."

[biocomposer]

"I've already made myself clear, on that point," Elijah says quietly.

(Punch him or...what?)

"But relationships, friendships - they are complicated. I avoided them myself, for a long time. That's part of why I was able to do some...extremely amoral things, in pursuit of my intellectual interests."

[justsayyes]

(Or nothing. You heard nothing, Elijah, forget about it.)

"I know -" she clears her throat and rephrases more carefully. "It doesn't feel worth it. Being just me and my mission was easy. But now it's me and nothing and everything's hard."

[biocomposer]

"...I'm sorry," Elijah says, quietly, sincerely. It's probably the first time that she's talked about her current situation simply in terms of how she feels about it. About how it feels to experience it.

"I know I've said this before, but you can choose something new for yourself. It's not 'you and nothing'. It's you and anything. But I understand how that can feel overwhelming."